Cyn: This year, I resolve to accomplish my New Years resolutions. Argent: …So what are your resolutions? Cyn: That was it.
Argent: Ever had someone walk into your life and act like they are the main character? Cyn: Hey! Isn’t there any food in this place?!
Cyn: When was the last time you went shopping? There’s no meat! Argent: I don’t eat meat. Cyn: Vegetarian dog. Like that makes any sense.
Cyn: Fine! I can solve this problem on my own! … Can I have some money?
Cyn: Sure, there are bad things about a recession. Unemployment, foreclosure, bank failure, loan defaults, stock crashes. But the benefits outweigh the costs by far. No one is going to buy anything… So there is less junk mail and telemarketers stopped calling ages ago!
Cyn: I wonder what’s going on? Argent: Bad coffee.
Cyn: Today’s uncreativity tip. Do something everyone else has done, and write a book about it. “My Life of Driving to Work.”
Cyn: Whaddya mean you want me to draw inside the box?
Argent: Sin! Cyn: It’s Cyn. Argent: Sin. That’s what I said. Cyn: No, see, you’re spelling it wrong when you say it.
Cyn: Anyway, did you need something? Argent: Explain this. Cyn: Let X be a positive integer. …Tax line… Argent: Can I trade for a kid who draws on the wall with crayons?
Cyn: Munch slop glurp. Argent: Are you ready to eat at the table like a civilized canine now? Cyn: Mmbleh?
Cyn: There’s soap and then there’s antibacterial soap. So does regular soap not kill germs or what…?
Cyn: Argent, your jacket is inside-in. Argent: Oh. I’ll fix it. Cyn: But it’s supposed to be that way.
Cyn: Where are we going out to eat? Argent: A restaurant. Cyn: Yeah, but- Cyn: You’re telling me you’ve never been to a restaurant before? Cyn: Of course I’ve been to a restaurant! Which restaurant are you talking about? Cyn: Oh.
Cyn: Imagine cooking in the same restaurant, with the same menu, for years. Don’t the chefs get bored? Chef: This is the 10,000th time I’ve made ‘steak with sautéed mushrooms.’ Cyn: …I’ll have something that is not on the menu.
Waiter: How is everything? Argent: Splendid, thank you. Cyn: Why do they always ask that when my mouth is full?!
Cyn: Can I get a take-home box? Waiter: …But you have no food left to take home. Cyn: Oh, no, it’s for the plate.
Cyn: Tomorrow is Father’s Day. It’s the one day of the year you’re supposed to appreciate your father, because the rest of the time you don’t. Hey, it must be true because Father’s Day would be unnecessary otherwise. What I don’t get about Father’s Day is that we are also expected to appreciate grandfathers, and… Read more »
Cyn: Let’s play a game. Pick a number from -infinity to infinity. Now, you have a 1/∞ chance of being right. In other words, it is infinitely improbable that you are right. Yet, in spite of that… you could still pick the right number.
Cyn: Independence, patriotism, celebration, family, parades, barbecues, America, stars & stripes, baseball, hotdogs, nationalism, flags, red, white, blue, and freedom. But you can’t fool me. Oh no. I know what this holiday is really about. Blowing stuff up.
Cyn: And now, a simple image. Let chaos reign on preconceived notions of gender.
Phone: Returns must be made at the store. Argent: But I never got my order in the mail. Phone: Online orders are non-refundable. Argent: That’s not what your policy says. Phone: You will have to speak to the manager. Argent: May I? Phone: The manager is on vacation in Saudi Arabia. Argent: Then- Phone: Please… Read more »
Cyn: It surprises me that capes aren’t in fashion. They are easy to customize and, like any other fashion item, they have no functionality whatsoever. Stranded Dog: Drat. Cyn: So what’s the deal? ‘Useless’ and ‘fashion’ are the same thing in my book.
Cyn: Life is like… a breadstick filled with tasteless cheese.
Argent: What is in the bottom of your drink? Cyn: Fish eggs. Hey wait, come back! They’re not actually fish eggs. They’re just candies…
Cyn: Cooking shows are so predictable. At the end of the show the cook always says, ‘Mmm! This is sooo goood!’ For once, can’t they, ‘Oh. It’s average.’ Or, ‘This recipe tastes like bile, but I’m going to make it anyway.’
Flight Attendant: Sorry sir, but you are only allowed two carry-on items. Dingo: Oh. Dingo: Okay now, stay here and be good. Daddy will be back in a week.
Cyn: On this episode of World’s Most Useless Things: windows in washing machines and dryers. The only logical reason for these windows is to see inside of the machines. Who watches clothes rotate inside a dryer or washer on a daily basis, anyway? Certainly not enough people to legitimize putting windows in all of them.
Argent: Cyn, you should really get up and do something. With all the time you spend doing nothing, you could have learned a new language by now. Cyn: I was thinking along the same lines. But then I remembered that many people are not that bright, so I’m not in a rush to get ahead… Read more »
?: AAAHHH Argent: No, it’s not butter… it’s just margarine.
Cyn: In the world of fast food, there exists a sign that reads as such. Sign: McDonald’s Over 99 Billion Served Cyn: I guarantee that, thanks to this sign, there are now people who believe that the world population is over 99 billion. Dingo: Are there really over 99 billion people in the world? Employee:… Read more »
Cyn: This is an autarky! Argent: Good. You can cook your own dinner now. Cyn: Well, except for that. And making anything. And buying anything. And a place to live. Argent: So basically all you can do is make up your own mind. Cyn: Sometimes not even that.
Cyn: A while ago I saw a movie called The Earth. At one point, birds are trying to fly over some mountains but really strong winds batter them backwards. The narrator says that the birds must turn back or risk certain death. Risk certain death. How can you risk something that is certain?
Dingo: Um, excuse me… You’re a girl and I was wondering if- Cyn: I’m not female or male. I’m totally apathetic. Apathy. The gender for people who just. Don’t. Care.
Cyn: Hello, you have reached the Department of Redundancy Department. Can I help you and if so, how may I help you? Oh, you have confused us with another department that is not this department. Their number is 910-1457. Just dial 910-1457. Thanks, bye.
Sign: Post Office Closed 12 p.m. – 2 p.m. for your convenience. Argent: …What?
When idioms become costumes. Wolf in sheep’s clothing, hotdog, every dog has its day, let sleeping dogs lie, wolf whistle, top dog.
Cyn: Wait wait. Let me think about this. Sign: Please use both lanes.
Background: Bang! Bang! Bang! AIEEEEEEEEEE Still missing, lost. Two others severely injured. Fire! Fire! Torture Fire! Argent: Cyn… What kind of horrible things are you putting on the TV? Cyn: The news.
Cyn: I know there is another chocolate bar in here. I just have to eat the candy I don’t want. Then it will be easier to find the chocolate. Later… Bingo: Good thing you like that stuff. I ate all the chocolate earlier. Cyn: guuuh
Cyn: Men never notice haircuts.
Cyn: I can’t believe it! Argent! Argent! These mittens… these mittens are shaped like Michigan! Argent: Wow, Cyn. Whoever knit them must be very skilled. Cyn: I know!
Cyn: Great. Now what am I supposed to do?
Cyn: I could watch TV. I hardly ever do that. Oh. Right. I could play a video game, read web comics, listen to music… Everything depends on electricity! What can I possibly do while the power is out?