Cyn: I mean, think about it. Who was actually there to see God create the universe? Nobody! Sure God said he created the universe. But how do we know it wasn’t plagiarism?
Cyn: I’ve got something important to tell you. It’s about cell phones. The- Phone: ring Cyn: Oh. Let me get that. Hello? Heeeeyyyyy~ Yeah, totally. And then he was like and I was all biomedical engineering golfball. I know! Okay. Later. Bye. Cyn: What was that important thing I was saying?
Cyn: Are you done yet?
Cyn: Flies. They’re annoying. Stupid. And ugly. It gets worse. They never really die. They fall on the floor somewhere and buzz on and off for hours. When you find them (if you ever do) they’re under stuff. You can’t reach them. And they buzz. Always the buzzing! rrrrrrrARRRGGHHHHHHH
Cyn: Yes! It’s the one and only college checklist!! 1) Do your laundry. Cyn: Why is there just one sock? 2) Eating is important. Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner. 3) Remember to bring… Computer, Powered Lamp, Keys Cyn: Stupid!… Stupid!… Stupid!… Note: disembodied hand accurate representation of typical professor 4) Think! Cyn: Hey guys! Let’s put this… Read more »
Cyn: Welcome to Creative Writing 381. There will be no writing creatively. Every sentence will follow strict grammatical guidelines. If it is not at the beginning of a sentence, or not a proper noun, do not capitalize it. All papers will have 1″ margins, 12 point Times New Roman font, and be double spaced. Poetry… Read more »
Cyn: Did you know? White berries are poisonous. Unless they’re white mulberries, which taste like rootbeer.Fold your hands as if you were at a business meeting. Whether the left or right thumb feels more natural on top is determined genetically [simple Mendelian trait].You can put salami in the microwave to make pepperoni.Your arms become posessed… Read more »
Cyn: Why do we always include ‘at the mouth’ in the phrase “foaming at the mouth”? Is there somewhere else that might foam?…
Harry Potter: Expecto Patronum! Hermione: Expecto Patronum! Ron: Expecto Patronum! Cyn: Expecto Patronum! *munch munch*
Cyn: *ahem* Map: Antarctica, North America, South America, Australia, Africa, Europe, Asia Cyn: Now, shame on the 26% of you who can’t find Australia on a map. Just think, if everyone read this comic people might actually get smarter! Side effects of intelligence may include apathy, dry sense of humor, sarcasm, and apple pie. Readers… Read more »
Cyn: The world in which we live is constantly changing. Unfortunately, that was the best excuse I could come up with for the format change. The other option was to whine, and complain about lack of funding.
Cyn: Ever notice how most comics have one or two characters per panel? Garfield, Get Fuzzy, Calvin and Hobbes, Ozy and Millie. That’s because it’s so darn hard to fit more! …Okay I give. Who are you? Doberman: Well gee, I only live here. Who the heck are you?
Cyn: Happy. Aphrodite. George B- Argent: My name is Argent. …George Bush? Cyn: Imagine all the unoriginal jokes I could make if that were your name.
Cyn: Why the name Argent? You’re not ‘silvery-white’ at all. Argent: I was when I was born. Cyn: Really? Argent: Actually, it was probably because my mom was looking into a bright hospital light for a long time.
Cyn: This year, I resolve to accomplish my New Years resolutions. Argent: …So what are your resolutions? Cyn: That was it.
Argent: Ever had someone walk into your life and act like they are the main character? Cyn: Hey! Isn’t there any food in this place?!
Cyn: When was the last time you went shopping? There’s no meat! Argent: I don’t eat meat. Cyn: Vegetarian dog. Like that makes any sense.
Cyn: Fine! I can solve this problem on my own! … Can I have some money?
Cyn: To the person I love most. Well, second most. Happy Valentines Day Bingo: Hey, I don’t do this for just anyone. Happy Valentines Day
Cyn: Sure, there are bad things about a recession. Unemployment, foreclosure, bank failure, loan defaults, stock crashes. But the benefits outweigh the costs by far. No one is going to buy anything… So there is less junk mail and telemarketers stopped calling ages ago!
Cyn: I wonder what’s going on? Argent: Bad coffee.
Cyn: Today’s uncreativity tip. Do something everyone else has done, and write a book about it. “My Life of Driving to Work.”
Cyn: Whaddya mean you want me to draw inside the box?
Argent: Sin! Cyn: It’s Cyn. Argent: Sin. That’s what I said. Cyn: No, see, you’re spelling it wrong when you say it.
Cyn: Anyway, did you need something? Argent: Explain this. Cyn: Let X be a positive integer. …Tax line… Argent: Can I trade for a kid who draws on the wall with crayons?
Cyn: Munch slop glurp. Argent: Are you ready to eat at the table like a civilized canine now? Cyn: Mmbleh?
Cyn: There’s soap and then there’s antibacterial soap. So does regular soap not kill germs or what…?
Cyn: Argent, your jacket is inside-in. Argent: Oh. I’ll fix it. Cyn: But it’s supposed to be that way.
Cyn: Where are we going out to eat? Argent: A restaurant. Cyn: Yeah, but- Cyn: You’re telling me you’ve never been to a restaurant before? Cyn: Of course I’ve been to a restaurant! Which restaurant are you talking about? Cyn: Oh.
Cyn: Imagine cooking in the same restaurant, with the same menu, for years. Don’t the chefs get bored? Chef: This is the 10,000th time I’ve made ‘steak with sautéed mushrooms.’ Cyn: …I’ll have something that is not on the menu.
Waiter: How is everything? Argent: Splendid, thank you. Cyn: Why do they always ask that when my mouth is full?!
Cyn: Can I get a take-home box? Waiter: …But you have no food left to take home. Cyn: Oh, no, it’s for the plate.
Cyn: Tomorrow is Father’s Day. It’s the one day of the year you’re supposed to appreciate your father, because the rest of the time you don’t. Hey, it must be true because Father’s Day would be unnecessary otherwise. What I don’t get about Father’s Day is that we are also expected to appreciate grandfathers, and… Read more »
Cyn: Let’s play a game. Pick a number from -infinity to infinity. Now, you have a 1/∞ chance of being right. In other words, it is infinitely improbable that you are right. Yet, in spite of that… you could still pick the right number.
Cyn: Independence, patriotism, celebration, family, parades, barbecues, America, stars & stripes, baseball, hotdogs, nationalism, flags, red, white, blue, and freedom. But you can’t fool me. Oh no. I know what this holiday is really about. Blowing stuff up.
Cyn: And now, a simple image. Let chaos reign on preconceived notions of gender.
Phone: Returns must be made at the store. Argent: But I never got my order in the mail. Phone: Online orders are non-refundable. Argent: That’s not what your policy says. Phone: You will have to speak to the manager. Argent: May I? Phone: The manager is on vacation in Saudi Arabia. Argent: Then- Phone: Please… Read more »
Cyn: It surprises me that capes aren’t in fashion. They are easy to customize and, like any other fashion item, they have no functionality whatsoever. Stranded Dog: Drat. Cyn: So what’s the deal? ‘Useless’ and ‘fashion’ are the same thing in my book.
Cyn: Life is like… a breadstick filled with tasteless cheese.
Argent: What is in the bottom of your drink? Cyn: Fish eggs. Hey wait, come back! They’re not actually fish eggs. They’re just candies…
Cyn: Cooking shows are so predictable. At the end of the show the cook always says, ‘Mmm! This is sooo goood!’ For once, can’t they, ‘Oh. It’s average.’ Or, ‘This recipe tastes like bile, but I’m going to make it anyway.’
Flight Attendant: Sorry sir, but you are only allowed two carry-on items. Dingo: Oh. Dingo: Okay now, stay here and be good. Daddy will be back in a week.
Cyn: On this episode of World’s Most Useless Things: windows in washing machines and dryers. The only logical reason for these windows is to see inside of the machines. Who watches clothes rotate inside a dryer or washer on a daily basis, anyway? Certainly not enough people to legitimize putting windows in all of them.
Argent: Cyn, you should really get up and do something. With all the time you spend doing nothing, you could have learned a new language by now. Cyn: I was thinking along the same lines. But then I remembered that many people are not that bright, so I’m not in a rush to get ahead… Read more »
?: AAAHHH Argent: No, it’s not butter… it’s just margarine.
Cyn: In the world of fast food, there exists a sign that reads as such. Sign: McDonald’s Over 99 Billion Served Cyn: I guarantee that, thanks to this sign, there are now people who believe that the world population is over 99 billion. Dingo: Are there really over 99 billion people in the world? Employee:… Read more »
Cyn: This is an autarky! Argent: Good. You can cook your own dinner now. Cyn: Well, except for that. And making anything. And buying anything. And a place to live. Argent: So basically all you can do is make up your own mind. Cyn: Sometimes not even that.
Cyn: A while ago I saw a movie called The Earth. At one point, birds are trying to fly over some mountains but really strong winds batter them backwards. The narrator says that the birds must turn back or risk certain death. Risk certain death. How can you risk something that is certain?
Dingo: Um, excuse me… You’re a girl and I was wondering if- Cyn: I’m not female or male. I’m totally apathetic. Apathy. The gender for people who just. Don’t. Care.
Cyn: Hello, you have reached the Department of Redundancy Department. Can I help you and if so, how may I help you? Oh, you have confused us with another department that is not this department. Their number is 910-1457. Just dial 910-1457. Thanks, bye.
Sign: Post Office Closed 12 p.m. – 2 p.m. for your convenience. Argent: …What?
When idioms become costumes. Wolf in sheep’s clothing, hotdog, every dog has its day, let sleeping dogs lie, wolf whistle, top dog.
Cyn: Wait wait. Let me think about this. Sign: Please use both lanes.
Background: Bang! Bang! Bang! AIEEEEEEEEEE Still missing, lost. Two others severely injured. Fire! Fire! Torture Fire! Argent: Cyn… What kind of horrible things are you putting on the TV? Cyn: The news.
Cyn: I know there is another chocolate bar in here. I just have to eat the candy I don’t want. Then it will be easier to find the chocolate. Later… Bingo: Good thing you like that stuff. I ate all the chocolate earlier. Cyn: guuuh
Cyn: Men never notice haircuts.
Cyn: I can’t believe it! Argent! Argent! These mittens… these mittens are shaped like Michigan! Argent: Wow, Cyn. Whoever knit them must be very skilled. Cyn: I know!
Cyn: Great. Now what am I supposed to do?
Cyn: I could watch TV. I hardly ever do that. Oh. Right. I could play a video game, read web comics, listen to music… Everything depends on electricity! What can I possibly do while the power is out?
Cyn: This year, I resolve to make promises I can’t keep, fight battles I can’t win, and start a bunch of projects I won’t finish. Argent: The pressure is on. Cyn: Yep.
Argent: What is this? Cyn: Russia plans to change the course of an asteroid that will come close to earth in 2029. One of the ways to do this is to literally fire missiles at the asteroid. I built a model to simulate it. The pedal will cause the missiles (matches) to hit the asteroid… Read more »
Cyn: Here’s an interesting concept: permanent storage. Movie: Night at the Museum 2. Ben Stiller: What’s going on here? Theodore Roosevelt: The exhibits are being shipped to permanent storage at the Smithsonian. Cyn: Permanent storage. You put something in a dark, musty basement and never look at it again. Ever. Otherwise it wouldn’t be permanent… Read more »
Cyn: The more I think about movies, the more I realize they don’t make sense. There is always a plot hole, or facts don’t add up, or something is left unexplained. As I’m thinking about this, it dawns on me. If movies made perfect sense, they would not be realistic at all, would they?
Argent: Cyn, you have been here for over two years now and there has not been a single foul word said this entire time. Cyn: What? Are you serious? Bingo: Saved!
Fortune Cookie: “You will soon receive a large fortune.”
Cyn: Happy Valentines Day. Or as I prefer to say, AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH Raúl: Puppy Love.
Bingo: what’s this? Ah?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Argent: Is it better to be loved, or feared? Bingo: Is it better to be good, or lucky? Cyn: Is it better to be unlucky, or dead? Sometimes I wonder. I really do wonder.
Cyn: CAT! That never gets old.
Cyn: What are you doing? Bingo: Looking for pineapples.
Cyn: What are we eating for dinner? Argent: Food. Cyn: What are you reading? Argent: Words. Cyn: Is that book any good? Argent: Maybe. Cyn: Do you think astronomy is important? Argent: I suppose. Cyn: Did you know that U.S. potato production increased by 4% in 2009? Argent: Possibly. Cyn: Are you a master of… Read more »
Caption: The 3 steps to a surprise addiction. Trying. Argent: Taste this. Cyn: Meh. Caption: Trying again, for whatever reason. Caption: Addiction. Cyn: drool
Cyn: I’m hungry. Bingo: We’re in the same boat, then. Cyn: Get out of my boat.
Bingo: new webcam. how do I look? Destroyer of Worlds: Come over and see. Bingo: Ok. Bingo: Oh. Right.
Flight attendant: I’d like to take this time to remind everyone that this is a non-smoking flight. If at any time during the flight you wish to smoke, please step outside.
Cyn: Save the e-trees! Stop sending me spam! Every year, spam and chain letters kill millions of e-trees. Only with your help can we put an end to this senseless slaughter. This Earth Day, play your part to end internet deforestation. Stop sending spam. Save an e-tree. Graph: # Trees vs # FWD:’s and RE:’s
Cyn: Ah, crazy old Aunt Emilia. Argent: Why am I not surprised? Grave: I Almost Died.
Cyn: There’s no business Bingo: like show business! Cyn: No. Just. There is no business.
Cyn: do not look directly into laser beam; do not consume; do not light on fire; blah blah blah… Oh. This is a new one. “Never view the laser beam using telescopic devices such as a microscope or binoculars.” Darn.
Cyn: GAAAAAAASP. Nothing fazes you! Cyn: Ah, I have not told you before… Argent’s Parents
Argent’s Dad: I couldn’t help but notice that you seem interested in me. Would you like to have dinner together? Argent’s Mom: Of course.
Tag: Extra buttons Raúl: Extra buttons
Cyn: This is a $100 rebate. Argent: So mail it in. Cyn: I can’t afford the 44¢ stamp.
Cyn: Alright, Community Chest. Go to college. Go directly to college. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200. Bingo: Raúl, I wanted to buy that… Argent: (Banker, naturally) Cyn: (Ignored)
Bingo: And they lived happily ever after. But since everyone knows that human beings are just characters in fairy tales, they didn’t live happily ever after, because they don’t exist. The end.
Cheese: Made with natural cheese Cyn: Natural cheese? As opposed to what? Unnatural cheese? What does that come from – space aliens? But wouldn’t it be natural to them? It’s all relative! Everything is relative!
Argent: “It’s amazing how much good you can do if you don’t care who gets the credit. Cyn: “A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.” Bingo: “Fish. Yu.” Cyn: Ah, Bingo, that’s the ‘learn Chinese’ side. Fortune Cookie: Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
Cyn: I’m cynical for a reason. This is a world where a restaurant can call itself Steak ‘N Shake, and yet not serve any stake. Does this look like a steak to you?
Cyn: Ohmygosh he needs CPR! Is anyone CPR certified? Bingo: cough cough Cyn: No?… Bingo: cough hack Caption: Cyn: Not certified, either. Bingo: Actually needs Heimlich maneuver, not CPR. Bingo: coffcoffcoffcoffcoffcoff
Cyn: People say a lot about the Bible. Yet, there’s still something I can’t quite figure out: in the beginning, why does God talk to himself? Bible: And God said Let there be light; And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called night; And God said Let us make man Cyn: And… Read more »
Cyn: Department of Redundancy Department speaking. You say you made an accidental mistake when you went to an ATM machine at 1 AM in the morning and forgot your PIN number? Then when you tried to drive home your ABS system didn’t work and wouldn’t function, causing you to get in a car crash that… Read more »
Cyn: Great minds think alike. This is just proof that stupid ones do, too.
Waiter: Would you like cheese on your salad? Cyn: Yes. Waiter: Tell me when to stop. Cyn: Did I tell you about what happened? …And she actually said that. Bingo: Wow.
Argent: Cyn, do you have a second? Cyn: One. Nope, it’s gone.
Cyn: If you could change something in your past, what would it be? If I could go back and change anything, I would start today over and not waste it thinking about what I would change.
Bingo: I want a blue tie, but I don’t know what color.
Raúl: Bingo: Shh, shh! I’m trying to figure out how to put it together.
Scottie Blogger: Hi everyone. I know I haven’t been updating my blog very much recently, but after today I plan to update twice a week! I have a ton of great new ideas! Two Months Later…
Cyn: Pineapples do not grow on trees. They grow out of the tops of other pineapples. It does not make sense. Pineapples should grow on trees. Everything I ever knew or believed in is a lie!
Cyn: I just ate the best piece of cake I’ve ever had in my entire life. But it did have a little too much frosting. And it wasn’t sweet enough. You know, now that I think about it, it wasn’t actually that good.